Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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