My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
