OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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