whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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