i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
