I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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