My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
