I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
