All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
