Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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