evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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