I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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