New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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