he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
sarcasm needs its own font
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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