i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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