I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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