I want you more than these girls want KFC
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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