Your face is a jimmy john
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
