Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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