i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
