so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
