I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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