How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
