he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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