I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
