Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
please don't ironically join a cult
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