I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
