I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
