Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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