even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize