omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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