Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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