I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
