People in love make me want to vomit
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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