How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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