My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.