Texts From Last Night

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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time

  (1-763): View more from Minnesota

  Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.

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  (763): So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time (1-763): Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother. http://tfl.nu/6l4l
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  (516): View more from New York

  Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I

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  (516): Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I<3 NY. http://tfl.nu/f30c
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  It's a beautiful day for a hangover

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  (215): It's a beautiful day for a hangover http://tfl.nu/x1e7
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.

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  (970): I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian. http://tfl.nu/kify
  Replies (58) Good night (8633) Bad night (796)
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.

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  (301): you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens. http://tfl.nu/fm3u
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake

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  (214): I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake http://tfl.nu/be1r
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role

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  (219): Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role http://tfl.nu/5zob
  Replies (14) Good night (813) Bad night (3887) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.

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  (201): He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away. http://tfl.nu/tzcp
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  (713): View more from Texas

  On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.

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  (713): On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day. http://tfl.nu/dyk5
  Replies (11) Good night (930) Bad night (1609)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.

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  (917): Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator. http://tfl.nu/612t
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.

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  (832): Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test. http://tfl.nu/gs8m
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.

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  (814): Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck. (215): Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate. http://tfl.nu/mf4n
  Replies (5) Good night (1233) Bad night (308)
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Sorry my hands just texted you

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  (613): Sorry my hands just texted you http://tfl.nu/r5db
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.

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  (832): I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me. http://tfl.nu/6e6y
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise

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  (814): i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise http://tfl.nu/29uw
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