wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
