Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
