You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
