My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
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Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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