she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Holy sore nipples Batman
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
