friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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