He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
my god I love twenty year old dicks
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
