good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
the liver wants what the liver wants
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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