I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
