She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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