if i can run in heels then i can drive
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Randomize
