She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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