The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
