Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry