I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
