i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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